BY ALEX WATT 作者：亚历克斯·沃特
中文导语：当前，新冠肺炎疫情正在全球大爆发，各国纷纷借鉴采用我国之前的居家隔离管制措施。人们被困在住所内，过着单调乏味的生活，就像被困在山洞里，洞口被大石头牢牢封住，不得逃脱。本文，作者以散文诗的形式，用戏谑、调侃和自嘲的语气，描述了这种尴尬境遇，讨论了当疫情结束，恢复社交自由后，人们的思想和行为方式可能发生的种种变化。沃特的这些心愿，在你的清单上吗？
When this is all over, I will never turn down an invitation to a party. Not that I get many, but, hey, maybe that will change when everything is back to normal. Well, not normal. Back to different? The new normal, I guess.
当疫情结束后，我将不会拒绝任何派对邀请。倒不是说我会有很多邀请，但是，当所有的事情都恢复正常后，没准儿会有呢。“正常”一词在这里不合适，恢复“不同”？我猜，那会是新的“正常”吧。
When this is all over, I will never complain about having to go to work. Every day, I will get down on my knees and kiss that gray carpeting, as long as the industrial fibres do not irritate my lips too badly.
当疫情结束后，我再也不会因为要去上班而抱怨。只要那些工业纤维不把嘴唇刺得太痛，每一天，我都会跪下来亲吻那块灰色地毯。
When this is all over, I will always wash my hands. With soap, too. And hot water, even though I find cold water more refreshing.
当疫情结束后，我会一直保持洗手的习惯，也会用肥皂，还要用热水，尽管我觉得用凉水更清爽些。
When this is all over, I will sometimes think, “You know what? Maybe it wasn’t so bad. After all, falling down into a really big hole and not being able to get out for what has been at least a few weeks on account of the even bigger rock that rolled down a hill and got stuck on top of what could have been my exit will actually make a good story to tell my grandchildren someday. Provided that all of the Mountain Dew I’ve been drinking down here doesn’t leave me sterile.”
当疫情结束后，我会偶尔想：“你知道这也许不是那么糟糕吗？毕竟，掉进一个很大的洞里，出口被一块从山上滚下来的比洞还大的石头堵死，被困在里面至少几个星期都出不来，这件事可以编成一个不错的故事，以后讲给孙辈们听。当然，如果这里的山露水把我喝得失去了生育能力，那就讲不成了。”
When this is all over, I will remind myself that it was bad, falling down into a really big hole and not being able to get out for what has been at least a few weeks on account of the even bigger rock that rolled down a hill and got stuck on top of what could have been my exit.
当疫情结束后，我要提醒自己：掉进一个很大的洞里，出口被一块从山上滚下来的比洞还大的石头堵死，被困在里面至少几个星期都出不来，这糟糕透了。
When this is all over, I will take a pickaxe with me everywhere I go so that I can tunnel my way out of any similarly unfortunate situations.
当疫情结束后，无论走到哪里，我都要随身携带一把镐头，以后再遇到类似倒霉的事情，就可以挖地道逃走。
When this is all over, I will probably never want to eat Doritos again, but if I do I will gladly lick my fingers and enjoy the flavor of the dirt-free orange dust.
当疫情结束后，我可能再也不会吃“多力多滋”薯片了。但如果吃的话，我会开心地唆着手指，享受那不掺杂泥土的橙色“粉末”的味道。
When this is all over, I will watch where I am going while walking home from 7-Eleven at 3 a.m. And I won’t take any shortcuts. A different shortcut, at least.
当疫情结束后，凌晨三点从7-Eleven便利店步行回家时，我会观察方向，不再抄近路。至少，也要抄一条别的小道。
When this is all over, I will request that AMC rerun the “Three Stooges” marathon I was stocking up for. It really is the least they can do, especially if they dug this hole. AMC is not one of my top suspects, but, with no solid leads as of yet, I am skeptical of everyone.
当疫情结束后，我将要求AMC电视台（译者按：美国经典电影有线电视台，并非我国万达集团控股的美国AMC院线）重新上映我准备收看的《三个臭皮匠》系列戏剧片。如果是AMC电视台挖了这个洞，那么他们更要满足我这个最低要求。AMC电视台并非我心目中的头号嫌疑犯之一，但是，在目前没有可靠线索的情况下，我对所有人都持怀疑态度。
When this is all over, I will write the Rock a letter explaining my current situation and ask him for a shout-out or a signed head shot. The rock/Rock connection might not be that strong, but, honestly, I have been meaning to write him for a while anyway. I think he stole my idea to make a movie about the board game Jumanji.
当疫情结束后，我要给“巨石”强森（译者按：美国电影演员道恩·强森，曾主演系列电影《勇敢者的游戏》。强森在世界摔跤娱乐时的艺名为“巨石”）写信，解释我遭遇的境地，请他帮我公开呼吁，或者送我一张签名大头照。这种巨石与“巨石”之间的关系可能还没有密切到这个程度，但说实在的，我早就想给强森写信了，因为我认为他在创作一部关于棋盘游戏“勇敢者的游戏”的电影时，剽窃了我的创意。
When this is all over, I will also reach out to the band Hole and say, “You’re only happy when it rains? I’m only happy when I’m not trapped in a big hole that’s covered by a giant rock. . . . It’s a long story.” I do not expect to hear back from them, but if they do respond I hope they put me in touch with their label. Boy, have I got stories to tell. Yes, I am a musical artist, and, no, Hole does not sing that “Only Happy When It Rains” song, now that I think about it. Yeah, that was definitely Garbage. Whatever. Being down here has me feeling like garbage. So there is still a connection.
当疫情结束后，我还要去找Hole乐队（译者按：美国洛杉矶的一支摇滚乐队），告诉他们：“只有下雨才能让你们快乐吗？（译者按：实际上，“《唯下雨令我快乐》是另一支美国乐队Garbage的歌”）对我来说，只要不被困在一个巨石压顶的洞里，就会快乐的… …这件事一言难尽啊。”我并不指望能听到他们的回应，但如果他们回应了，我希望与他们的唱片公司沟通。我要向他们倾诉我的故事。是的，我是个音乐艺术家，哦，不对，我又想了想，Hole乐队并没有唱过那首《唯下雨令我快乐》，是的，的确是Garbage乐队唱的。不管怎样，我在洞里感觉自己像垃圾一样，因此这两件事还是有点联系。
When this is all over, I will make “caught between a rock and a hard place to get out of ” a phrase that people say. It could be shorthand for when you have only two options and both are bad. Like Mountain Dew or Doritos, after weeks of consuming only those two things.
当疫情结束后，我要把那句“困在一块巨石与一个难以逃离的地方中间”，做成一句挂在人们嘴上的短语。当你持有两种观点，但它们都很糟糕的时候，比如连续几个星期都要喝山露水、吃“多力多滋”薯片，就可以用这句短语来形容。
When this is all over, I will need someone to catch me up on the latest trends and all the important news I missed out on. You know, which dances people are doing, what new Oreo flavor is out there, and which celebrities have gone viral. Maybe over a pitcher of beer that I sneaked into a batting cage? Sorry, sorry—let’s just say that I am eager to get back on the dating scene.
当疫情结束后，我需要有人帮我补脑最近流行的事情，更新之前错过的重要新闻。你懂得，比如人们在跳哪种舞，奥利奥饼干出了什么新口味，哪些名人走红了。也许我会溜进网球练习场里，身边还要放上一扎啤酒呢？抱歉，抱歉，我实在太渴望回到以前约会的场景里去了。
When this is all over, I will hug the people I love and not let go until I have slipped into their back pockets the mixtape I will record about all of this, titled “Under da Rock,” which I will release under my new rap name, Lil Hole Guy.
当疫情结束后，我要拥抱所有我爱的人，直到我滑进他们的后兜里才允许他们离开。我要把这一切录成一个歌曲专辑，取名《巨石之下》。这个专辑将以我新的说唱名字“山洞小伙”发行。
When this is all over, I will appreciate everything. Well, not big holes and giant rocks, but the little things.
当疫情结束后，我要感恩所有发生过的事情，哦，不是那些关于大石头和巨石的事，而是些小事。
重点词语解读
问：本文第九段最后一句“I’m skeptical of everything”中的“skeptical”，应当如何理解？
答：Skeptical（英式英语为sceptical），在《新牛津词典》中解释为“not easily convinced; having doubts or reservations”，即“不相信的，持怀疑态度的”。例句：The public were deeply skeptical about some of the proposals. 在原文中，由于目前关于新型冠状病毒的起源莫衷一是，人们对“祸根”的认识还在猜测中，因此作者沃特只能怀疑一切，甚至怀疑到了AMC电视台。
（主播：向东 | 翻译：向东）
声明：本篇英文内容摘选自美国原版杂志《纽约客》2020年4月20日刊（The New Yorker: April 20, 2020），仅供个人学习交流使用。作品在微信公众号“东谈”（DONG_Talks）同步刊登，欢迎关注。@“东谈”团队
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